Night Out

I went on this odd kind of date last night. I think I should date more Jewish men, but for some reason, ever since I converted, I either haven't had the interest or the opportunity to do so. Or I've had both, but it somehow hasn't worked out that way. Although, as I told one friend recently, I do believe that in all the people that I date, I see something "Jewish" in them, even if they have no idea that it's there. This was the case with the guy I went out with last night. Although, in the end, it was pretty awkward, and I don't know that anything will come out of it.

When it started, he and I were having a really nice dinner conversation, or so it seemed. I mean, no major sparks were flying or anything, but there was definitely stuff to talk about. Then, on the way to the theater, we talked a little bit about religion, but not too much. I had told him over dinner about my conversion, and I knew already that his family was Catholic, but that he didn't have any observance of his own. He didn't say he was "spiritual" or anything, he just joked about going to Hell.

When we got to the theater, we were early, so we had a drink. Then I probably did either the best or worst thing I could have done: I asked his age. That was only because, after talking to him, I realized he was probably older than I thought he was. But once I thought about it, I guessed his age right: about 15 years older than me. But he seemed pretty miffed about the fact that I guessed right. And then I was slightly miffed about the fact that he guessed me wrong - putting me at least 5 years younger than I actually am. I suppose I could have taken it as a compliment, but then that would have been inauthentic of me.

Overall, I suppose if people generally perceive him to be much younger, and me to be only a little younger, that would make our perceived ages actually pretty close. (It was kind of funny how the guy at the bar later in the evening referred to us as "kids." but then, he was pretty much older than both of us.) On the other hand, if you think about our actual ages, if he was that much older than I am and he thought I was much younger, that means he thought he was going out with someone about 20 years his junior. And he may have seemed kind of disappointed that I wasn't. It's hard to tell. But maybe that's why, when he wrote to me afterward, he wanted to thank me, but said he didn't think we should "date" anymore.

There I was, thinking I was "too young" for him. Whereas, it's possible I was in fact not young enough! Now that's a bit scary. If everything else had been equal, I think the age would not have been an issue. At least it wasn't an issue for me. Or rather, I was thinking that I had to work through that "problem." Like I'd have to accept the fact that he's so much older and doesn't want house/wife/kids, etc., and whatnot. But in fact, it was him. HE very well might have the problem.

And the other red flag: I joked, in the bar, after the show, about being 12 years old, and the way he said "perfect" was a little too convincing. He seemed to actually have a momentary fantasy that reminded me just a little too much of the way pedophile perps typically look in an episode of Law & Order: SVU. So maybe I was on a date with a closet pedophile. Not to perpetuate a stereotype, but he was raised Catholic, and has since left the church. So who knows? Maybe he was molested as an altar boy, and he either has or has not told anybody about it.

And even if that's not it, obviously something is nagging at him, and is preventing him from even allowing for the possibility that maybe we could even have a short relationship. It's like he opened and shut the door with little or no input from my side of the garden. And maybe that's the worst part of it for me. So perhaps I should just run for the hills. Maybe I should take his polite offer of being "platonic" and just leave it at that.

I will say I did get my hopes up, just a little bit. It's natural. It's been a couple of months since I've been dating anyone, and to me, I look forward to possibilities. I like cuddling and canoodling and all of that. I wanted to touch him, but I felt like he was nervous. Or maybe he just didn't want to touch me. Which didn't feel good. It also doesn't feel good to be chucked aside because you are "too old" when in fact you are 15 years younger than the guy you are on a date with. Of course he didn't say it was the age, but I have a strong feeling that that's at least part of it. Which is why, I guess, my only regret might be that I DIDN'T leave the theater half-way through, as he kept alluding to my having that particular option. He seemed to expect it the entire time. He even checked to see if my bag was still there when I did get up at one point to use the ladies' room. Of course, I wanted to stay. I was having a good time, and I was looking forward to continuing our conversation. But in hindsight, maybe I should have left, because I can see two things:

1) He was really wasting my time, and

2) He might have respected me more for leaving.

Either way, I guess it's no big loss on my part. I got a nice night out at the theatre and a few drinks. And I hate to make a judgment about anybody, because it is more in my nature to give people the benefit of the doubt, but that is usually also my downfall. I think someone is so great, because I see that part of them that is hidden, even from themselves, and I say, "this person is valuable and worthy." I can love them. And I do. Regardless. But while I'm doing that, I miss all kinds of surface details. I miss the fact that they are way too interested themselves, or in younger girls, which shows signs of all kinds of bad activity, even if he isn't, like he said, "an axe-murderer." (Like he would tell me if he was).

And I overlook (even if I see them) things like the fact that he kept talking himself down, and wouldn't even look at me during dinner. A bit suspicious. So I get the feeling that he has defined himself as "a loser," and he's not open to any other type of interpretation. Maybe a younger girl than me would be more malleable, or corrigible, or would laugh at more of his jokes. Maybe she would look up to him and not be so complicated and burdensome. Maybe she wouldn't have FEELINGS, or be real in anyway. The age would distance her enough that he wouldn't even feel like they were in the same planet, or universe, and he'd never really have to have an actual relationship with her. Maybe that's his ideal woman: a doll he can dress up and pose. Unfortunately, that's not me. But I also think he's conflicted, because, even as he wants that, kind of, he also, like many men, wants to be dominated by a powerful woman. But either way, I think it comes down to self esteem.

If I were to, for example, challenge his notion that he is a complete and utter failure at life and undeserving of any kind of attention or affection, it would throw him off too far. Maybe he is too old, or maybe just thinks he is too old to change any of that type of thinking. I mean, I tend to go for older guys, because they have a more nuanced, balanced, and calm approach to life. But on the other hand, if it means that they can't change anything about the way they think, and if they will reject me on account of the fact that I MIGHT challenge the way they think, then they prove themselves right, and whether they actually are or are not a loser, is immaterial. What is ultimately proven is that they do "lose" what they had thought they wanted in the first place. But by that point, they've given themselves enough reason to believe they didn't want it anyway. The old "sour grapes" philosophy. I hate being pegged as a "sour grape." But on the other hand, I suppose that doesn't make me any less sweet.

Shavuah tov