Pure Bliss

The day has come. Well, not THE day. But the day I found a Rabbi with whom to work on my Day has come. Hooray! At the moment, I am not going to tell you who it is.

Suffice it to say, I am Very, Very Happy. And also a little bit nervous. It's finally beginning to hit me; no, wait - it's about to hit me, but hasn't quite yet, that this is irreversible. Irrevocable. That is one of the first things that the Rebbetzin at Boston University Hillel told me: once you do it, you can't take it back.

I thought, sure, that's great. I don't want to take it back! And I still don't. But the implications are huge. I am about to BECOME something that I wasn't before. Of course, that's not entirely true. I am about to become myself. I am about to become who I already was. But in terms of the world, and how I relate, I am about to become OTHER. Other than what I was. I am no longer going to be a goy (or whatever the feminine version of that is). I'm not going to be white, exactly, though I will be. I will be in a minority. I will be in a small group of people whose influence is greater than their numbers. I will be able to identify with a community, with a people.

At first, this seems strange and bizarre to me, as a concept. But I've already been feeling a part of it. When I learned that Bernie Madoff had scammed Elie Wiesel's organization, I felt personally up in arms, because Mr. Wiesel is one of my favorite people on this earth, and he, least of all, deserves to be scammed. When I read a story recently about a young girl with a bizarre medical condition, my feeling for the family was one of neutral interest and compassion until I looked at the last picture, which showed the little girl at her bar mitzvah. Then I realized what their name meant: they were Jewish. And suddenly I felt a warmth toward them that I hadn't felt before, just by that simple piece of information.

So I am about to join this community, this tribe. I will become one of the "Chosen People." I suppose the only thing that will make me different from most is that I will have chosen myself. But maybe that's what every Jewish person does. Maybe that doesn't make me different at all. Maybe the Jewish people are chosen simply because they choose themselves. Every day, whenever the option presents itself, they say, "I choose me. I choose life." L'Chaim.

Shavuot on the Mountain

I guess it is time for my monthly post. These posts are getting less and less frequent. Not for lack of interest, or lack of subject matter. Maybe for a lack of time? A lack of inspiration? A wondering - will this process ever end?? Will I ever really convert? Or is this some fantasy that I've made up, which I will never actually achieve? Let's not go there.

Let us go instead to the experience of the most recent Holiday, Shavuot. As you may or may not recall, this was my first official holiday as a decided-to-convert person last year. That is, it was after attending Pesach Seder that I decided conversion was really what I wanted, and contacted a Rabbi to work with.

My Shavuot activities that time included making a cheesecake, picking the "first fruits" off a tree in my back yard, attending an all-night learning event at the local JCC, and studying the Book of Ruth.

It was in reading the Book of Ruth at that class, that it occurred to me that in all my years of Bible-reading, I had never once read the Book of Ruth. And yet, how strange, since my Christian Godmother's name is Ruth, and I had always wondered what the name meant, or what it stood for.

Now I know.

Ruth is the first named convert in the Bible (after Abraham). And not only is she a woman, but she is the direct ancestor of King David - his grandmother, in fact. That, combined with the fact that her life had some parallels to my own, made it a particularly revealing story to read.

This year, I had a different kind of revelation. I attended a one-night camping trip to Mount Tamalpais, where teachings would be given all night, with the added benefit of being in the "wilderness" - just as the Israelites were in the wilderness when they received the Torah, and on a mountain, no less.

I taught a small class on Ruth at this event, and had the opportunity to share my story with many others in conversation. It was nice, but it still made me wonder - when am I going to convert? When will this process be finished so that I can start my life as I really want it to be - as a Jew? When will I, officially, at least in some fashion, become a part of the community?

Because that is all I really want. To be recognized as someone who is truly committed to this religion. Emotionally, spiritually, physically, intellectually. I felt ready to convert last year. And yet, I still wait. When will it be? How long?

Perhaps I am overly anxious. It's not that I feel I am going to give up. It is just that I want to carry out the rest of my life as a Jew, and I want that to start now, or at least as soon as possible.

Because I am like Ruth. You can tell me, go back, little girl. Go back to your home, your Christianity. and I will tell you, no, thank you. That religion may be fine, but it holds nothing for me. Being Jewish is all I want.