The Flood

I was all set to write an entry about the Noah story and politics. How this Parsha comes at a time when our very country is being cleansed of one system and being replaced by another, and even the economy, it seems, is doing its own version of purging or cleansing, somehow.

Now my story feels slightly more personal. Without going into details, I can mainly say that this rain pouring out my window seems strangely appropriate.

And why do my bad breakups always happen on a Saturday?? I thought I would hold off - so as not to break the Sabbath. But to no avail. The Sabbath has chosen this day to be broken anyway. A day that was intended to be for joyful reunion and togetherness is instead a day of mournful reflection and loss.

But maybe what I thought were general intentions were just my intentions, or the intentions I imagined on somebody else's behalf. What about the world? Why should my intentions have any significance?

And I can't help but think how my actions contributed to it. I know it's not great to sit around and think, oh, it's all my fault. I am not doing that. I am actually sitting here smiling. Because I know I am not wholly responsible. But I do take the weight of responsibility for the actions I know I have done that caused, or served to bring about this loss.

From what began as a simple offer, simply received, we have a chain reaction and a series of events that slowly, but surely, brought about some kind of destruction which was worse than I had imagined.

But maybe this was God's way of aligning the forces so that I did not go and make a rash and faulty decision I would later regret. Still, I believe there was some flaw in my actions, and I do believe a little bit in karma, or at least that sort of response that means what you do doesn't go off into nowhere. It is received by the world and reflected back to you directly.

It is sad, what happened, but in a way, it's a relief. This had been coming for a long time. All the insults and the tension that I/we had been experiencing lately have melted away into one great wash of no-longer-thereness. We needed something to get us to stop arguing. It seems, apparently, that this is the way. He let me go, but I already had my hands off the reins. And there is nothing I can do about it now, and there is nothing I want to do about it. It just is, and I want to let it be that way, to soak into the ground, and saturate the atmosphere, with warm, comforting drops of blessed love and release.