"Their Religion"

So I think maybe I should try not to hang out with Christians. It's not that I don't like them, and I don't plan to actively avoid anybody just on that basis. But I am feeling less and less like we have anything in common. And the problem with hanging out with Christian people is that they like to know you believe in Jesus Christ and that means you have common ground and you can have a conversation, and without that, conversation just gets awkward.

For example, last evening. I went to a friend's house for a poker party. It was a friend from the choir I used to sing at in San Francisco. That is, before I spoke to the choirmaster and eventually sent him an email saying I didn't think it was a good idea, since I was working on becoming Jewish.

I like them all as people. But it was still awkward going to the party. For one thing, one guy, in the car on the way there, kept pointing out all the church buildings as we passed them, and commented on them in one way or another. And I discovered that, for myself, I didn't really care. I didn't care what kind of church it was, or how long it had been there, or whether so-and-so had gone inside it or not. It just meant nothing to me. It was a building: a building I had no desire or obligation to go into. It was a good feeling. But rather than say anything, I just let the guy talk.

When we got to the party, we had a good time, and there was really no mention of religion. The host asked if I would consider joining the choir again, and I said probably not, or at least not right away. But I have a feeling the issue, unstated, was the big pink elephant in the room, because I asked the guys in the car on the way back what the choirmaster had said about me and the fact that I wasn't going to be singing this fall.

"Oh, he said you weren't singing because you were going to be Jewish."

And that's when the discussion started. The guy (the same one who had been pointing out all the churches) began talking about how he had many friends who were Jewish, and how he loved "Their religion." He also said that they, for some reason he couldn't understand, always wanted him around whenever somebody died. But I pointed out, of course, that Judaism is and was, of course, the basis for Christianity, all subsequent additions and changes aside. But I didn't really talk about the vast and innumerable differences. He was eager to tell me how much he loves the Old Testament.

"But aren't they going to ask you to renounce Jesus?" He asked me. And he told me a story about how one of his female friends was going to get married to a Jewish guy, and she was supposed to convert, but when she got to the end of the process and they asked her to renounce Jesus, she just couldn't do it. And he said he'd be all about being Jewish, except for the whole giving up Jesus thing. I didn't have the heart to tell him I'd never accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior in the first place.

That is because I don't believe it's true, and all my efforts to be Christian have ultimately failed, in my view, based on the simple fact that, in my heart of hearts, I don't and cannot get myself to believe that Jesus is God. I mean, I'm sorry, I just don't. So therefore, being Jewish is just honest to me. It doesn't mean that I'm changing anything, aside from outward appearances, but it does mean I can outwardly say, this is who I am and what I believe, and my outward expression agrees with my inward belief, and not the opposite, which is what has been the case for about as long as I can remember.

So that's why I believe "conversion" is an inept and inaccurate term for what I am actually doing, at least in terms of my own life, if no one else's. Because, as I had to explain to my friends in the car, converting to Judaism isn't the same as or even the opposite of converting to Christianity. Converting to Christianity is easy. You say you'll accept Christ and worship him for the rest of your life, and you're good. If you want to convert to Judaism, it's a whole different story. You can't just renounce Christ and then suddenly you're Jewish. It doesn't work that way. But it's hard to explain to someone who doesn't know. Which is a lot of people. Both Christian and Jewish. Even a friend of mine who is half Jewish didn't know. So I told her. I didn't know myself, until I started looking. But I'm glad I did. I am glad I am doing this. I am enjoying every minute, every challenge, and I don't ever want to take it back.